Introspective HSP things
Three Things into One Thought
I’ve been feeling a lot of yearning and stuck-in-the-details lately, so I have recalled a certain phrase from A Little Life during my scooter rides around the city. The second photo below is from The Mirror (1975) dir. by Andrei Tarkovsky. The third is from Aftersun (2022) dir. by Charlotte Wells. These three things have been helping me to cope and reaffirm my intentions.
A Little Life - This quote reminds me to embrace my differences as it has allowed me to experience the world so vividly.
The Mirror - I really love the look of this film as every frame is a painting. The caption also gives me a sense of serenity.
Aftersun - I strive to be the person that can say this to my friends. But for this to happen, I must take care of myself first.
Hyperfocusing on Details and Onions
The other day someone gave me a remark which I took like a compliment at first but then it turned sour, “You are very detail-oriented.” Although it felt good to be showered with good attention, I couldn’t help but look on the negative side of being detailed.
Strengths are also weaknesses, too. When details do come to me, they come sharp and I hyper-focus on them. This goes for people..
Take for example an onion. I think of the “what, why, and how” of them. I see that it has many layers to it. I understand that the sulfuric acid is what makes people cry when they cut it. Now, I’ll start thinking of coffee as a caffeine product. It’s a natural pesticide to deter critters from eating coffee plants. Do the sulfur in onions have the same purpose? But what about its thin peels on the outside? How does a plant know when to create a thin papery skin and then make thicker white layers? How do other plants grow? What metaphors can I find from understanding onions? People have many layers to themselves, too. When revealed, some people cry. I rabbit-hole down lots of questions.
On Selfishness to Protect Yourself
I feel a lot of guilt for being selfish as I have turned away from family and close friends in pursuit of my artistic passions. It has been a lonely and flawed road, as being a first-gen artist and just a 20-something figuring it out. I know this is entirely optional - to be alone. Yet, it is necessary for me in order to analyze society and its needs and desires. I do recognize that other people have their own battles at home and with themselves. So, when I’m working at the cafe - there are instances where I capture someone’s glint in their eyes. Sometimes, it is a customer. Sometimes, it is my coworker, but there is an incessant wonder of how they are actually doing. I put up a front and work hard at my job, but in all honesty, I could cry on the spot if I could. Don’t worry - it would be a good kind of cry.
Since last year, I learned about “self-regulation”. I have been struggling with it for a long time. Self-regulation is something HSP’s can do in order to not feel so overwhelmed and recharged. It is like is a toolbox that we can turn to and open up when feeling out of touch with ourselves. For me, I’ve made a list of things I like to do for this toolbox. They include breathing, being with nature, cooking, taking photos, coming up with projects, talking with friends, and etc. I’ve pinned them on my desk at home, so I can refer to it whenever. It hasn’t been easy. And the battles are still in my head. But slowly, surely, little steps on the road to discovering my own soul has been fulfilling and giving. I feel at home with my thoughts. I am my own best friend. And only then that’s when I can become a great person to others.