I must say that this post may be my first ever actual public coming-out story. I feel a bit bold and proud, but at the same time a little fearful of the connections I will lose. It often feels like I continuously choose the more independent path in each fork that life’s roads present to me. Choosing selfishly myself each time.
I got a tattoo on my arm. It may look scary, especially the veiny part. I am finding out that not many people like the idea of veins. What I see as natural and beautiful like networks of mycelium, plant branches, and synapses can also be seen as vampire-like and dirty - especially the idea of tattoos. Dark inks stain and embed in skin causing it to shed. Markings as such is associated with gangs, violence, and bodily harm in many cultures. It is looked down upon.
I am finding the various societal and cultural perspectives on my tattoo very funny. In one way, I finally can earn this so-called hipster “barista stripes” at work, also I fulfill the stereotype as “that one neighborhood friendly gay tattooed barista.” What is it then about our profession / occupation (for those who don’t see it as a profession) that has attracted us to get tattoos? Well for one, baristas in America from my knowledge and experience tend to be more liberal and open-minded, creative, and social bonding. We dress in clothes that make us feel authentic, practical, and comfortable for our physical jobs. We want to attract those like us to perhaps feel less lonely. It is our job to connect. I find it a beautiful thing - to show one’s true colors to the world, instead of hiding. I tell myself — anyone who has anything negative to say about my appearance should not matter to me — this is my preparation for backlash or disapproval that I know I will soon face. I hope it’s minimal. I also hope to continue to stay strong for what I believe in. I hope they understand.
Female Spaces
I once pointed out to a friend that, “Isn’t it funny how when we immediately walk into a space and can tell if it was led or designed by a woman?”
In physical spaces, they are in the shapes of ovals, pastels, and soft textures, like female breasts. Here are some example of interiors that exude femininity to me:
I remember squirming on the floor of the glossy hardwood floor of my middle school’s gym when my school’s nurse taught us sex-ed. I also remember quickly skimming over my biology textbook every time it showed the insides of genitalia and even the anatomy of flower buds. Today, I am still a little shy, but now look at them with fascination and pride. I have unlearned the shame tied to female bodies on how it is perceived to be weak, preyed upon, and generally materialized. I learned how to appreciate the woman body in these past years as I reflect on all the women in my life and the world. Born out of frustration and a demand to claim my own identity and existence, my quick defenses gave way to appreciation for the feminine thought and questions - my own thought and questions.
What does it mean to be a woman in today’s world? I implore everyone to ask this to a woman they know. Fascinating, complexing answers and perspectives would commence.
In parallel to physical spaces, I think this way with people sometimes. For example, when men would share their empathic side at times, I would feel drawn towards their aura, because I felt safe and think, “Maybe he’s had a great female role model.” Not that male guardians do not exhibit a capacity for emotional care, but in my general experience, I’ve felt sensitive to the female spirit that expresses from well-brought up folks. Generally, the qualities are naturing, patience, and complexity. It is the genuineness of “How are you?” and standing in solidarity on collective issues like laws imposed on us simply because we seem to have a smaller voice in a hegemonic patriarchy. This shows up in majority of our lives in team management, working alongside, and having conversations with others in institutions created by men.
It is a folly to also be swept under a minority category of “man-hating” women. I want to state that I’ve had a few great men in my life showing me care in various ways, such as the swiftness of action of even forgiveness and offer of supportive shoulders to cry on. For the sake of my desires, I tend to drift towards empathic natures of individuals, as in retrospect, it is something I need to continue being open-minded and accepting to a broad degree. With this vulnerability, there is a voice of reason to listen to - of when to draw boundaries and to do things to keep myself safe in my own community, people, and vibrant inner world.