I was on a roll, writing a lot, getting better at tennis, making friends, but life got in the way. I was brash, inconsiderate, and broke someone’s heart. Then as expected, Karma came around, and I got heartbreak in return. So lately, I’ve been leaving my devices to the rushing river of rhythms. I can’t really write right now, so I will let these songs describe the particular periods of my short-lived, yet defining three-and-a-half years so far at university. Ladies and gentlemen: here is the soundtrack of my undergraduate career.
This will sort of, I guess, mean to mimic a structure of a film. I started as 18-year old innocent me. I’ve grown so much then. I’m not sure if these measly years constitutes as a worthy development for you, dear readers, but for me, it was a lot. It has become my bildungsroman of the sort.
A LONG ROAD
I am starting with my current state. With graduation in sight, less then two weeks away, I foresee this long road..
Try Everything
On the very first time I set foot on campus as a freshman during orientation, I swaggered down East Mall. If you are familiar with the East Mall at UT, you may very well know that it begins on Guadalupe St aka the Drag and ends at the UT Tower. As I made my way to the Tower, I had “Try Everything” sung by Shakira blasting in my new earphones. I had just bought these new Longhorn shorts and sick dark-grey t-shirt that had an orange ‘TEXAS’ emblazoned on the front. I was so proud to don them. I was obviously a newbie and anyone could tell that I was a freshman. Oh, to be young and hopeful..
The soundtrack of my life really
I’d like to believe my life has this exact rhythm melody. It rushes and slows down in some areas. It’s beautiful and moves me to tears every time.
The Cold Days
I took ballet classes in the winter, beginning of 2017. I’d take the bus to downtown Austin. Then, walk among the skyscrapers to get to the Ballet Austin studio to take adult classes. It was always cold and drizzling. I would wait for class in the hallway with several older women, mainly stay-at-home mothers. I was obviously the youngest one there. Not that the ballet classes had to do anything with it, but I remember clearly that it was truly a miserable time of my life.
Finding Solace
I wouldn’t exactly say that I am a devout Christian, but this song gives me calm and peace as I was brought up in church when young.
Stairwells
The second semester of my college life I used to cry so much, and this song helped me illicit those tears I’ve held on for so long. I’d cry in the stairwells of my dorm, a place where no one hardly passed through, and play this on my guitar until my back ached.
Existential Crisis
By September 26, 2017, I hadn’t eaten in days. I took the 54 minute bus ride to campus for a meeting at 9am with an advisor. My advisor was 10 minutes late, but I couldn’t wait. My stomach was about to flip out. And I had an anxiety attack from all the cumulation of doubts of my career. This was my first existential crisis. I withdrew from university that day with the intentions of dropping out. I remember taking the 54 minute bus back crying and sobbing. I WAS that girl. Then, I got severely depressed and went back to my hometown to go back to square one. My worst enemy was myself.
I got to take care of my dad, drove him to numerous doctor appointments, did his daily dialyses, and kept up with his medical logs. There were lots of nights I cried myself to sleep, but here was when my siblings reached out to me. I also learned a lot about forgiving myself. And… after 3 months of setback, I decided to return to university. See the blog, “If these walls could talk” for my period of growth afterwards. :)
Andrea Arnold’s ‘American Honey’ kinda saved me.
This song came up when my father passed away in October 9, 2018. The “whirlwind” that was my undergraduate career when I was (still am) lost about what to do with my life.. The music video to this song is amazing and captures life in an amazing ethereal perspective that I like to tap into from time to time. This song confirmed my decision of changing my career path from pre-medical student to a media scholar (biochemistry to Radio-TV-Film major).
Peace in music
Another Christian song, but in French that carried me through my third year of classes. The song slowly builds up, but has a very nice pay off towards the end.. Again, I’m not that religious, but somehow I like to listen to this.
Celtic
I don’t really know what this song is about, but I was obsessed with the TV show ‘Outlander’. Irish pipes, Celtic fiddles, and Gaelic chants? I love them.
Montenvers Train
I studied abroad in France and it was truly one of the best experiences of my life. This song was on replay during my time in the Alps. Every time I hear this song, I will think of the red Montenvers train where I was happy to die in, because the view was so breathtaking.
American Teen
I was on my way home back from Coffee Bennu, driving on I-35 around 6am, right before sunrise (Yes, I burned the midnight oil there. I can never seem to study at home.) I was already 21 years old, but at the moment, I was searching to find words to describe my teenage experience for my memoir. When I heard this song on my Spotify radio, I kept slapping my steering wheel screaming, “Yes! Yes! This is it!” I might have been the most alive person in Austin that morning.
Full Circle
I recently graduated and just the other night, December 13, 2019, I was on highway-35 and saw the campus lit up. ..And I listened to this song again. It came full circle, nostalgic and hopeful at the same time, I didn’t know what to do but the tears in my eyes welled up on its own. I truly tried everything I could. And I am very proud of myself.